your room smells of hookers.
And success
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
