Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just want nice things and good sex
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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