i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
