there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
