I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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