dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
