A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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