Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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