i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
