she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
