fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
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