he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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