i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
3 2 1 whiskey
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
