absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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