I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
