I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
