I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
