I didn't shave. On purpose
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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