he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
