just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
