Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So vagazzling was a success
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
