he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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