I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
