some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
