Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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