she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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