if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I understand Curling. That high.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
