Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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