Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
sex in a hospital.. check
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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