He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
