We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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