I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
