one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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