i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
