Your face is a jimmy john
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
