I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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