u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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