I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
