My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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