he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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