Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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