I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
