they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
