You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
