you lied. pity sex is amazing.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
