I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
