Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize