i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
