My hand turned me down
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
YAS. BRING CRAB.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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