I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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