Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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