i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
