I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
