She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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