If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
