New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize