If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
