we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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