Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
