Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
