just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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