hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
