part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
