saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Randomize
