I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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