I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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